After 15 months of staying at home raising my son, I find myself looking for a job to help pay the bills. I’m really saddened by this and have spent many hours crying about it. I try to rationalize it by saying many parents have to put their child in daycare at 6 weeks or 3 months old and so I’ve been lucky to be with Jayden for 15. However, it doesn’t change how I feel!
When I was younger, I always thought I’d want to be a working mother, I was a career person. Having a child changed all of that. There isn’t anything I can do about it but be grateful for what I have and know that everything will be OK.
There are a few positive aspects – many of which I am trying to not feel guilty about!
1. I am looking forward to having a bit of time for ME during the day. Yes, I will be working but I will get alone time.
2. We will have more money – can pay the bills, buy things I have cut back on and go on vacation and trips to see the in-laws in CA.
3. This may sound bad – but, I feel like I will appreciate my time with Jayden more than I do now. I enjoy my time with him now but often am not sure what to do with him (did I just admit that out loud?!).
I think being at daycare will be more difficult for me than Jayden. He will get to hang out with his new buddies all day, he will learn a ton, and he will be cared for. I am not going to leave him with anyone that doesn’t truly care about him. Now, if only there weren’t 6 – 18 month waiting lists for daycare!!
I am working on staying positive but I know the first day I leave him behind, I am going to completely lose it and hope I am able to make it through the day. I’m tearing up just thinking about it. Wish me luck!
Ah – I’m so sorry Shelby! Everything will work out.